| news flash |
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| 11:37pm 08/07/2006 |
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i am turning into my mother.
(oh, and sorry i've been absent from livejournal. my cat almost died last week. and now i am broke. i need a paper route.) |
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(11 bears | who is driving?) |
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| it's the heat |
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| 02:01am 26/06/2006 |
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everything looks weird in the dark tonight; i jump at every sound. a certain someone keeps talking in his sleep about walnuts and children and it's freaking me out. so, i am in the living room, wrapped up in a blanket, looking at shit i could buy on the internet. if i felt like it. so far i've purchased a zine for five dollars. i think it was probably a rip off.
i have plans in my head for a quilt i'm going to make. my mind is racing and i think maybe seam allowances and batting are the reason i can't get to bed. i'm making lists in my head of all the assorted crap i "need" to buy for my various projects (varnish, black cotton fabric (one yard), sheep fabric, safety pins, letter beads, lever-back earrings) and lists of the people i need to call (doctor, vet, anna, parents, chad) and lists of all the things i need to do (find a table, go to the post office, buy textbooks, mop the floors) and somehow, i don't think it's helping me get to sleep.
anyway, please buy some crap from me so that i can buy more crap from other people. thanks. |
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(4 bears | who is driving?) |
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| cross-posted to myspace. ugh. |
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| 09:29pm 29/05/2006 |
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this is totally shameful, but in an effort to support my addiction to crafting i started an etsy shop:
peachplumpear.etsy.com
there's not much there yet, but everything was lovingly made by me and there will be a lot more soon! please don't feel obligated to buy anything, because if you're reading this, you're probably my friend and it would be really weird to take money from a friend for something i made. but, uh, tell YOUR friends to buy stuff, okay?
sorry for the ad!
and hi! |
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(17 bears | who is driving?) |
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| sightings! |
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| 10:45am 18/03/2006 |
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last night i got a manicure seated next to art alexakis, who was also getting a manicure.
hah.
that guy is such a douche. |
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(5 bears | who is driving?) |
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| argh. |
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| 05:59pm 16/03/2006 |
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i had to rearrange my schedule for next term because the child and family studies program insists that you take a certain class during your first term in the program. my schedule just got significantly harder, as most of my classes are now rather writing intensive. i was hoping for an easy spring! sigh.
monday:
work 8 - 4:30
african american community development @ psu 5:30 - 9:10
tuesday:
intro to printmaking @ pcc 2 - 4:50
wednesday:
work 8 - 4:30
thursday:
intro to printmaking @ pcc 2 - 4:50
professional development in child and family studies @ psu 5:30 - 7:30
friday:
societal influences on professional practice @ psu 9 - 12:40
i'm really really hoping i can make it all the way from pcc to psu in forty minutes on thursdays. according to trimet, i would have to get on the bus at exactly 4:50 for that to happen. ugh. i am full of pre-emptive malaise for next term. |
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(who is driving?) |
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| 07:12pm 14/03/2006 |
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no smoking since saturday night at six!
and i don't feel too too terrible, most of the time. i didn't chew any nicotine gum for about two and a half hours (at work yesterday i was having a piece every hour) and i didn't even notice/eat everything in the house!
it's funny, though, how i'll be getting ready to leave and think "okay, i'll smoke a cigarette at the bus stop" and then realize not only am i out of cigarettes, but i quit smoking. i am hoping this feeling will go away.
but it's kind of nice, too, to know that i have some self-control. i think living in the ghetto helps. i get harrassed every time i go to the only store within walking distance, and taking the bus to buy cigarettes would only happen if i were really, really desperate. which i'm not. which is good.
and i think i might actually get a 'C' in one of my classes, but i think other than that i'll be okay. even though i have to miss work to take a final. (my teacher was a bitch about this; i had assumed that our final would be either on a tuesday or a thursday, since those are the days we have class. i found out today from a classmate that it's on MONDAY, which is STUPID, and so i was sort of complaining aloud about it and my teacher said harshly, "well, i guess you'll just have to ask for time off." she could've at least expressed some sympathy that i have to miss at least four hours of work for a test that will take me all of 15 minutes. argggh.)
also, i feel incoherent and lightheaded. |
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(2 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 05:24pm 12/03/2006 |
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the smoking, we are quitting it.
since about 24 hours ago i have been munching on nicotine gum which does not have a "mild, peppery taste" but rather tastes like chewing on soggy cigarette butts. it's foul, but it gives me enough of a headache/sore throat so that i don't feel like smoking, either.
tim smartly chose the patch, which appears to not have any terrible side effects other than some itchiness at first. interestingly, we both woke up at 4:30 this morning feeling very, very thirsty. i'd been having repeated airport dreams (where the dream has a clear an objective which you never quite achieve) about buying a cup of rootbeer.
anyway, wish us luck. |
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(12 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 05:51pm 07/03/2006 |
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mood:  fat cat on lap music: my ipood is running out of batteries
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i saw noises off on saturday and it's amazing what going back to my old high school can do to me. [the show, it was amazing. cast and crew, my hat is off to you.] i bit my nails throughout the whole damn thing; i can't tell if it was from the excitement of live theatre (how nerdy) or because just being present there brings me back to a time when all i did was, literally and metaphorically, bite my nails.
on the ride home i kept thinking of how much i've changed since then. i could see my old self in a lot of people there: the kids who dressed weird and felt awesome about it, the kids with so much energy that their shoes slid across the shiny floor, the kids who shrieked and barrelled down the halls to hug someone they'd seen half an hour ago, the kids who danced and slammed doors and pretty much embodied the concept of reckless abandon.
and now? i am restrained in comparison. i am much more in control. i speak at a normal volume, i close doors quietly behind me, i do not dance unless specifically required to, i don't wear raver pants or thirty-seven bracelets on each wrist, or dye my hair purple. i can't tell if i've matured and turned into a responsible, well-adjusted adult, or if i've just buckled my seatbelt extra tight to keep in all the noise and drama that's in my head. i can't decide which is more real, more intrinsically me: dance parties with six people in a tiny phone booth or sitting on my bed pinning together a baby blanket. i feel conflicted and changed and unsure.
but after the show i kept remembering this photograph of me, one that i dug out from under the bed after i got home, one in which i look pretty much the as i do now. i can't tell, though. i showed tim and he said i didn't look the same, but maybe it was my long hair. i feel unchanged (contradiction! only one paragraph ago i said i felt changed! liar!). i still wear the same glasses, carry the same messenger bag, i even still own (and wear) the same shirt i'm wearing in that photo.
i feel old and at the same time impossibly young.
for the past few years i think i have been constantly reinventing myself. at least, i've tried to. i suppose this is what young adulthood is all about: differentiation from your family of origin and creation of an autonomous identity. at the same time, i don't give a shit about what is developmentally normal, i'd just like to have it figured it. this, i think, comes from years of being told i was developmentally advanced, which i would like to not does not in any way help a person become a functioning, happy human being.
some things you might be interested in knowing about me, since i rarely update my livejournal anymore and forget, when reading your livejournals, that while i have a nice picture of your life, you might not even have the foggiest idea who i am. well, neither do i, but here's some facts anyway:
- i am going to ecuador in november. i said this before and it's still not certain in that i haven't purchased my plane ticket yet, but i'd like to remind you and myself of it, because the more i talk about it the less likely i will be to chicken out. oh, anxiety.
- tim was accepted to pacific university's occupational therapy program. this is exciting and slightly jealous-making (i would be an occupational therapist if, you know, you didn't have to take science classes), but mostly just makes him even more attractive. honestly. i'm dating a grad student.
- we're going to move at the beginning of fall, which was initially sort of not okay with me, but the idea is starting to grow on me, even if it is a stressful thought. pacific university's ot program is in hillsboro, and it's just too much of a commute from here. we'll be moving to inner northeast or northwest portland, most likely. or we might just live in a box with all of our damn pets to keep us warm.
- we have new housemates and it is impossibly quiet in our house, except when ian's girlfriend is here. she is loud like joni, only without the shrieking laughter. marc runs this zine review site and therefore you should visit it. i am indebted to him for covertly returning my years overdue zines to the IPRC library. ian works at mcmenamin's and started brewing beer, which is surprisingly good.
- i bought (okay, tim bought it for me) an ipod nano. this makes me feel sort of lame, because it's an ipod for chrissakes, but it's really cute and plays music for me when it's not running out of batteries. i call it my ipood and its name is olive.
- i am seriously considering* going on antidepressants. my counselor, whose name is rocky although his signature reads 'miller garrison', has recommended it. this is a difficult issue for me, because it requires me to somewhat admit that i am depressed and anxious. unfortunately, i have a hard time telling myself that saying "i'm depressed" means "i'm sick" and not "i have an irreversible personality flaw so please kick me in the face because i deserve it and i'm fucked up like that." it's ridiculous and it's hard, but i think (hope?) it will be good for me.
*by seriously consider i mean i've made an appointment with my doctor. FOR NEXT WEEK. ack.
- i have to stay in school with at least 12 credits to continue receiving health insurance benefits. this is sad, but since my insurance is going to run out soon anyway, i may as well use it while i've got it. i have a dentist appointment in april, i'm going to see my opthomalogist for the hell of it, and i may even see if i can get a chiropractor visit covered because my spine is still ridiculously twisted and i'm pretty sure someday it will catch up to me.
- classes i am taking next term: intro to biology (to fulfill necessary science credit), intro to printmaking (to fulfill necessary art credit), african american community development (this will either be a university studies credit or applied to my child and family studies specialization), and sexual assualt (because i need a one credit class to bring me up to eleven credits). next term is going to suck, i think. i haven't had a term off school since spring 2004.
i should go do my homework, considering i am facing final exams that will likely bring my lovely 3.8 GPA down to god knows what, but instead i'm going to go sew a purse for some girl on livejournal who i don't think even wants it anymore. at this point, i don't care.
i hope you all are alive and happy and hearing good music and eating good food and being good people, because chances are, if you're on my friendslist, i probably love you a litle like family. |
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(12 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 04:01pm 25/02/2006 |
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ALL OF MY BOOKMARKS SOMEHOW GOT DELETED.
AND ALL OF MY HISTORY WAS CLEARED.
SO: ALL OF THE PASSWORDS I DON'T REMEMBER FOR THINGS ARE LOST. AS IS MY LIST OF BLOGS TO READ AND VARIOUS OTHER CRAP AND THEREFORE I AM PISSED.
this is the last time i let someone else use my computer! |
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(5 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 08:40pm 24/02/2006 |
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mood: how apropos: music: anthem for a seventeen year old girl - broken social scene
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tonight reminds me of when i used to live alone and get drunk by myself on cheap whisky, battered stereo turned up bang-on-the-ceiling loud with ancient mixtapes, and how wonderfully lonely it was. i always put on a skirt, too, so that dancing around the apartment on my furniture would be that much more fun.
i'm feeling a little nostalgic, but not so much in a bad way. i have had a fairly decent couple of days, and it's weird realizing that i feel happy and not just content. i think i've been going through a phase of numbness lately without even realizing it. i'd go into it more, but it's hard for me to believe that livejournal is a good medium for that, or that anybody is even out there still.
there's a girl on livejournal who reminds me strongly of myself three years ago. i want to call her up and give her a hug, but i think that may skeeve her out a bit. hello, younger, hipper self. i want to tell her that things will get better, to look at this great big wonderful world! -- but i think it would be a bit depressing for her to see me. i'm not really someone that sixteen year old girls aspire to be.
i wish i knew where my mix tapes were. all of my music is still packed away, and i believe that this is a deep source of repressed pain for me. maybe. in other news, my hair is flipping outward today and it's awesome. also, i smell like a gigantic navel orange.
hello, internets!
edited to add: i just made some earrings to match my skirt and OH MY GOD my fine motor skills are nothing after a few shots of vodka. fortunately, i'm drunk enough to think they still look good. sweet. |
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(8 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 04:39pm 09/02/2006 |
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i have a serious lack of energy today. and a serious lack of focus.
i tried to do homework, but couldn't stop thinking about all the things i needed to do around the house.
started doing housework, got distracted by homework.
tried to clean the bathroom, but someone wanted to take a shower.
tried to repot my avocado plant, but it was too windy. i fucking hate wind. hearing the screen door banging against the front door is filling me with rage.
so far, the only thing my body really feels like doing is look at shit on the internet and wish we had some damn food in this house. |
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(2 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 11:11am 07/02/2006 |
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mood:  intrigued
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this morning i got a call on my phone, which i didn't answer, because it wasn't eight o'clock and you people should know that I DO NOT SPEAK BEFORE EIGHT AM. anyway, a few hours later i listened to the message and i wish i could let you listen to it, because it was very strange.
there was some sort of background noise, it sounded like outside. just background noise for a while and then two loud, sudden noises. a pause, and then more. it sounded like gunshots. i know myself; i know i have a tendency to exaggerate and inject a little too much imagination into reality, but i made tim listen to it and he said it sounded like gunshots too. not saying they were, just that it SOUNDED like it. which is weird. because who would call my phone while walking through a field, shoot a gun a few times, and then hang up?
later i tried to call the number, but the call wouldn't go through. it just beeped at me.
very strange, i tell you. |
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(3 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 01:45pm 03/02/2006 |
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i got a B on my economics exam. 51 out of 60, in only thirty minutes. i was the first person to finish. not bad for virtually no time spent studying and for only attending one of three classes. how is this possible?
my guesses:
1. an act of god.
2. the scantron was messed up.
3. i am a GENIUS.
4. pure luck.
5. college is dumb.
i think if i had a magic eight ball it would tell me that all signs point to number five. |
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(2 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 08:39pm 02/02/2006 |
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mood:  aggravated
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i do not like my microeconomics class. every time i think, "finally, i am beginning to understand this. look at me! i am graphing a price elasticity of demand curve! now i am calculating the marginal utility per dollar for a glass of beer! look at me go!" i check my answers and discover that i am wrong, all wrong. the questions i do get right appear to be flukes. i hope my test tomorrow is multiple choice and fill-in-the-blank questions like "the major source of revenue for the federal government is the personal _ _ _ _ _ _ tax"
i like to think that i am a fairly logical person (not necessarily in my actions, but in my thoughts) but this economics bullshit is going to make me insane. it should be logical, i keep telling myself. it is MATH and GRAPHS and COEFFECIENTS and all those other mathematical things that i happen to hate.
but: it is not logical. why? because none of the answers make any sense. who uses this crap? people buy the best that they can afford. they don't buy things they don't have the money for, or things that bring them no satisfaction/usefulness. companies don't produce products that don't make any money. they don't think, "hmm, what is the marginal benefit of this can of soda versus the marginal cost? is the marginal utility greater than that of the bottle of juice? what is my real income here?" they just buy crap that they want. the end.
i want to kill myself. or someone. preferably adam smith. invisible hand THIS, muthafucka!
update: i feel stuck. i'm remembering why i didn't want to go to college, remembering my objections to the whole idea of "higher education" as it is currently structured, and remembering how much i just plain hate school. in two years i've spent so much time and so much of my parents' money that i feel like i can't back out now. i'm in a job that i love and that pays well. if i worked full-time, i could get health insurance, paid time off, all those lovely benefits that come from having a real job. i only expected to have a job like this once i graduated from college. now what's the point? |
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(4 bears | who is driving?) |
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| fhskjhfsdkjfhdskjhfds |
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| 06:41pm 26/01/2006 |
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the DAY after my warranty expired, my laptop started randomly turning off when i set it down.
now it only turns on when plugged in, and if i unplug it, it immediately turns off.
i am SO SO IRRITATED. goddamnit. |
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(4 bears | who is driving?) |
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| 07:55pm 23/01/2006 |
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somehow, doing my (massive amounts of) homework makes my eyelids droop and my breathing more regular, but anything involving the internet, television, food, or intoxicants makes me feel wide awake and alive.
...and it doesn't help that eddie said that dropping out of college was the best decision he ever made. damn. |
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(2 bears | who is driving?) |
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| panicky |
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| 11:33pm 20/01/2006 |
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my pets have become the focus of my generalized anxiety.
i say this because i went to bed half an hour ago, only to hear my cat meowing, wake up, and be unable to sleep for fear that something may be wrong. i'm sitting in the living room now to keep an eye on them. i feel ridiculous, but i feel better out here. in bed, i felt like i was gasping for air.
worry is a terrible thing.
my nightmares lately are all about my cats. first i dream that everything is flooding; the water is rushing in the doors and windows, so i grab the cats and i run. in the next dream, we are on a train, and a bengal tiger is swiping at them. i grab them and run. in the next, there is a fire. i rush in and out of the burning house to carry them out; once out, i don't know what to do with them. sometimes i wrap them in sweaters; sometimes i find a small building that we hide in.
i frequently leave what i'm doing to make sure my cats are all present and accounted for. when i ride the bus, i hurry down our block to check that the front door hasn't blown open (my cats are inside only). i've always been protective of my pets, but i feel like this is nearing a full-blown disorder. it doesn't feel normal to lie awake at night worrying about cats only to fall asleep and dream about cat-disasters.
this is ridiculous. |
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(4 bears | who is driving?) |
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